The DuPre Double: Getting Lighter

My title is both literal and figurative. Today Bellingham had three more minutes of daylight then it did last night on the solstice. Twenty-one minutes a week is alot to gain.

I am going to resist apologizing for not posting, although I want to. More than anything I want to apologize to my future self for leaving big gaps. Really I have not posted before now because the act of writing this blog, as I see it, is not present. Rather it is about recalling for friends, family, but mostly my future self what was. The journey I am on is so amazing I do not want to miss anything. So readers missed the girls second birthday, great family visits from Grandmothers, Papa, Granddaddy, Diane, Mica and Rich. In the time that I have not written the girls have started preschool, developed a vocabulary, been potty trained, stopped sleeping in cribs, stared drinking from cups, feel in love with Elmo, smoothies, animals, and in general have grown up. While they have a ways to go, not documenting these mile stones is what has kept me from writing. I feel so bad to have missed writing about them I think, how I can write about today when I missed last week. Yet in retrospect I did not write because I was living them. I know from my yoga practice, one I have just started revisiting (a big thanks to Sara Greenwood), that I should focus on the present. So I will.

Scout and I took a big walk yesterday (ok maybe not exactly present but close). It was the first long walk we have had in a while. The girls where with Nancy (our beloved Nanny sent by angles), Justin was at work, and I left the office to spend some time with Scout. I had no guilt for not doing work, caring for the girls, cook dinner, I was free to be in the woods with Scout and it felt so good. We hiked off to find a geocaching sight (which we did not find do to extensive leaf cover) and I realized how much I missed just walking the dogs. Not that I would trade it for time with the girls or Justin but that life has changed so much. Scout is such a quite simple guy, much like Justin (before kids). I felt good about bonding with Scout because I had never really spent time along with him. It was always the three, four or six of us.

I miss Vern everyday but I am proud to say that I have come to peace with her death. Much credit goes to the writing of Jon Katz. If you have ever lost a friend like Vern I truly recommend his book Coming Home. In his book and his blog http://www.bedlamfarm.com/ ,which I am now a religious follower of, he talks about animals as service. They pay service to individuals in ways we might not understand while they are there. In exchange for their service we give them a good life of love and care and a good just death. I am at peace with Vern because I now know the service she paid to me and I know I did my best (as did Justin) to give her a good life and just death.

Vern took me from 20 to 34. In that chapter she helped me find my family.—first, just the two of us, then Justin, Scout, and then Morgie and Addy Baye. And when our family was solid, secure and full of love she felt her job was done and we let her go. The house is so quite without her tipping around. Scout is a quite sole and many have asked about him. He is well, we are all well. And I know where every she is Vern is well. The girls still ask about her. “Vern home?” It is hard to teach them what I do not understand. When one asks, usually Addy, before I can answer Morgan reminds her she is playing ball in heaven with her friend Rose (a dog they read about in Jon Katz’s children book The Dogs of Bedland Farm).

With are all on vacation now. We are gearing up to cook a big dinner for friends. We miss family but are content to be with family as well. Morgan and Addy are such a gift. Most of you know getting pregnant was not easy for me. I like to be open about that because so many people struggle with infertility and fell as though it should be a secret. But Justin and I are proof that if you want children you can have them. They may come from your body, your biology, or neither. But when they are the people your life revolves around, they are your children. My thoughts are with Kim and her family as they return from China having officially adopted their two year old son Kai and a case of the chicken pox. You can follow their blog at http://oursprout.blogspot.com/.

As I type the girls are upstairs sleeping, the Beatles lullaby plays throughout the house and sound of rain taps. The Hanukah candles are flickering in the kitchen, the Christmas tree lights in the living room and I am in the rocking chair near the fire. Scout is dreaming on the couch and Justin in finishing making dinner (poor guy I am not a great cook and do not eat meat). Morgan and I are fighting the never ending cold, I and all is quite. I know I will miss the girls at this age. They amaze me everyday.

Last night Justin and I laid them to sleep at 7:30 and at 8:15 when I could still him them chatting I went to up to encourage them to rest and found them both naked and giggling. Addy was quick to tell me it was Morgan’s idea and Morgan proud to report that her bed was dry. There is little more I want in life them for them to be at peace and comfortable with themselves. A few months ago Justin and I were asked by the girl’s teacher to pick three things we want for the girls. As always I took our homework very seriously. Justin and I word shopped, sought suggestions, and final came up with three wishes. We wish them to be compassionate, honest, and courageous.

We get a lot more sleep them we did last year and as the New Year approaches I have a few goals in mind but one overarching challenge to myself. I want to be present without guilt. When I am playing with the girls, I do not want to think about work, when I am at yoga or running I want to be in my body, when I am working I want to be focused on teaching and writing a career I really love, and when I am with friends and family I want to enjoy every moment rather this wish Bellingham was closer to them.

Below are some pictures from the last two months. I hope to keep you updated but make no promises and have no guilt. Happy holidays and thank you for reading.

Rae